Preferably in real life and without religion or alcohol.
I don’t feel that our society is atomized or individualistic, but that’s going to depend on what kind of life you live. Standard advice is to join clubs or volunteer, and after a month or 6 months at any given place, sit down and think about whether it’s helping you achieve the social goals that you want to achieve. If it’s not, walk away.
Walk away, and try again in a different place, using insight gained from the first try.
If you’re physically able, go somewhere people are willing to teach you something :) Try a climbing gym.
The first hurdle will be working up the courage to ask for advice (on a route, on equipment, about an event) and the next will be showing up often enough that you’re a recognizable part of the community.
In the meantime !dull_mens_club@lemmy.world
What have you tried so far?
I haven’t figured this out entirely, but I’ve found a partial solution in being part of a men’s group.
We meet weekly to discuss our feelings.
After a couple years in that group, one of the other guys requested that someone call him a few times per week because he needed an impetus to keep moving. He was battling depression and laziness, and wanted someone to check in on him.
I volunteered to call him three times a week. It was only going to be a few weeks at first, but we kept it up.
Now it’s been about six months of me calling him on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday morning. I told him I’d be happy to call him like this for the next fifty years if that’s what it takes.
I live alone, and don’t really see anyone on a regular basis except for this group. I don’t know my neighbors, nor anyone in my neighborhood. I’ve considered joining a church to have some community, but I don’t want to distort my relationship with God.
But this morning I spoke with that guy. He’s not physically present, but our ongoing commitment to this phone call schedule creates an abstract “meeting place” where we encounter each other regularly.
It really works. It’s like sharing a kitchen with someone, and bumping into them there on a recurring basis.
I think it would be great if more people made arrangements like that. I think it would be great if there were a community here on Lemmy just for the purpose of setting such arrangements up.
Regular, recurring connection is magic.
In college I had a classmate that I enjoyed speaking with. Somehow we decided that we were going to have breakfast every Saturday morning at Le Peep, just the two of us.
We did that for an entire year of college, and it formed a deep bond. We became best friends, as a result of seeing each other regularly.
I myself don’t have the bandwidth to take on a lot of such connections, but if anyone is interested in trying such an arrangement please respond to this comment and y’all can pair off.
The arrangement I would propose is this:
- Set up a recurring schedule. Same time on the same day every week
- One of you calls the other
- Have some specific questions planned, in order to kick start the conversation. With this guy from my men’s group, I started off by asking him three questions: “How are you feeling right now? How did yesterday go in terms of your plans and objectives? What are your plans/objectives for today?” This was to help him keep moving in the depression/laziness he was experiencing. Now after months we’ve abandoned the formulaic structure and we just talk
- Treat it as important. Stick to the commitment and make the calls. Lots of people don’t stick to their commitments, and that sucks. Commitment creates consistency, and consistency is the heart of community.
If anyone would like to experiment with this, I can call you regularly for a short period of time to teach you how it’s done. I can’t afford a lot of long-term commitments right now, but I’d be happy to put in some effort to help people understand the technique.
you seem like such a great guy. 🙏
I’m getting better. The other men in the group are helping. They’ve helped me heal a lot of trauma, and they hold me accountable for promises I make.
Society, community… these are abstract terms. You cannot talk to them. The cannot love you.
Life happens when you meet people (not abstractions).
Well then, I guess if I were to rephrase the question, I’d ask:
Where are some places or contexts where you can find a group of 5-30 people who meet regularly, generally feel connected to one another, and won’t spend the whole time staring at their phones?
Hobbies are the best way to meet people wanting to do something (beside looking at their phones, I mean).
- I was into scale models, people would meet to do (and to talk) scale models.
- I play chess (irl), people will meet to play (and to talk) chess
- Sketching/painting/photo/art. Here in my city it’s not hard to find people that like to do urban sketching or go out to take pictures, or go to expo, museums and so on.
Have you look around what IRL activities are related to hobbies you may be into? You may also ask your local public library, if they do not organize activities themselves they will probably have info on some other org doing it.
How does this codswallop have eight upvotes? OP asked a perfectly reasonable question and this is word salad.
Neo, you dingus.
Codswallop, dingus… these are abstract terms. You cannot argue with them. They cannot hate you.
Disagreements on the Internet happen when you argue with people (not abstractions).
(Sorry, I couldn’t resist)
The core is basically this.
- Go where the humans are. Do so on a regular basis. It doesn’t really matter where, so long as it’s a place where a) socialization is not actively discouraged, and b) people are likely to show up more than once.
- Talk to as many humans as possible until you find humans you click with.
- Bring other people into the fold as you meet them.
There are environments that make this easier - hobby groups, certain ‘scenes’ in your area (music, art, etc.), volunteer organizations, etc. - but you can start the work pretty much anywhere humans congregate.
Are there any hobbiest groups re: digital art or adjacent activities in your area (zine making socials always sounded pretty fun)? Is there something you’ve always wanted to try that’s on offer as a group event? Start there, talk to the humans, show up more than once and there’s a good chance you’ll be off to a good start.
…said the kettle.
I am also a kettle, but I figured I needed some motivation in my life to get to know more people. Moving from Norway to Bumfuck, Nowhere in Denmark has made it hard to make friends, but my wife and I got a puppy two weeks ago, and have signed him up for puppy training classes with other puppies. We’ll also use the dog park in the towns nearby to meet people. I think that’s a good way to meet people.
I’d also like to add that getting a puppy on a whim in NOT a good idea. We talked about this for years, and planned for months. My depression has gotten so much better, buy jesus christ, he can be a little hellspawn lol 😂
Dogs are great! People who like dogs - generally not the mean Pit Bulls, or Rottweiler types though - are good people. You can jog and hike with your dog. They are great conversation starters.
Note: Not saying Pits and Rots are mean but some people tend to get them because they want a dog perceived to be vicious and proceed to train them that way.I don’t have a dog, but seeing a happy dog is a sure way to brighten my day!
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You don’t. Simple as that
