I have a few.
One is abbreviation hell. Nobody is going to spend the time trying to decipher what you mean when you use over several abbreviations. It is just better if you’d explain than expecting people to understand aside from commonly used abbreviations that are easy to understand.
Another is overstepping your limits for the sake of getting a partner. Compromising your own standards is perhaps one of the worst things you can do when it comes to trying to find dates. Like you’re suddenly okay with dating single parents but you don’t like children. You’re suddenly okay with dating religious people but you’re not religious. Things like that. Because it means you’re desperate and you’re setting yourself up and setting them up for a bad date.
A friend: if they are immigrants on a work visa, barely know you, and are pushing you to marry them to stay in the country, and also give you an STD and still refuse to wear condoms? Bad. My friend was rather an insecure person and considering this until she asked me for advice and I said that it was a bad idea. I do understand the plight of an immigrant but this was just wrong.
Another friend: their boyfriend would ask them if he could take her Ritalin some days, and she was dealing with a personal struggle with alcoholism and would just say “ok sure I guess I just won’t take it today” because she felt like she couldn’t say no. He also did not call an ambulance when she had a seizure and eventually she was discovered to have an aneurysm that needed immediate evacuation, and she feels that was maybe because he beat her during a time when she was too drunk to remember and gave her a head injury, as she has a recording of something on her phone. Do not be with someone who will supply your addictions. Thankfully she got sober and got out.
Me: if from the get go his mother is rude to you despite you being a polite and eager to please person, and when you finally say something to him about how she’s being rude to you, and his only answer is to say “yeah, my mother can be very rude” in a tone that says this is the way it is and he sees nothing wrong with it, and does nothing to defend you from her behaviour or address it, that’s bad. If he’s cavalier about money and finances and his significant debt, and goes out behind your back and spends a lot of money and when you object says it’s his “character flaw”, or when he goes out behind your back and spends 3000 dollars on furniture you haven’t even seen, and when you get mad and are angry at him for a while says “when are you going to take me off the cross?”, as if you’re the one with the problem? That’s bad. If he gets suspended and also fired from work and lies to you and dodges the truth about why, that’s bad. If a million other bad things happen, that’s bad. If you break down and tell someone about how bad things are in your relationship, and he finds out and tells you that you should have kept it to yourself and “worked it out together” despite being super violent, manipulative, and puts you in a bad financial position because of it? That’s bad. If you ever feel in danger and scared to come home, look at your texts from him, or spend any money, that’s bad.
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Assuming that a profile is enough to understand someone. Sure, don’t waste time/drag out meeting someone but… actually talk (video chat) and ask questions before you move things along.
Ask questions important to you and what you are looking for.
Video chat? Wtf. Have people ever heard of coffee? Very public, fairly short, no commitment. You can even say the no commitment part up front. Just meet, don’t expect anything, and see how it goes.
I have a stupid question.
How do people “see how it goes” and ever have a positive experience? For me, even if the person is friendly and funny, I am so uncomfortable that I never want to do it again. Literally no one has ever felt any different for me. Even if I gain some level of pleasantness and satisfaction from the interaction, it is incredibly mild and doesn’t ever make up for anything or make me wish to continue. I have tried seeing people repeatedly to no avail. The cost-benefit analysis never nets me out on top. I have always been a perpetual loner due in part to this. Does this mean I’m a psychopath or something? Because I cannot connect with and gain satisfaction from humans the way they seem to be able to with each other?
That sounds so atypical as to make me think it may be best to have a conversation with a mental health professional about.
For me there’s an initial discomfort, but it’s the same discomfort I get when I’m exploring somewhere new. Its exciting and fun and I’m figuring out how I feel about this person/place. I get sad when I don’t experience it enough
I don’t get discomfort from excitement so I’m not sure what you mean. I’ve spoken to quite a few therapists at this point. None of them seem to be able to have anything worthwhile to say. ChatGPT would probably have more substance to say in response to things.
There are physiological causes of anxiety.
What do you mean exactly?
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/is-a-hidden-medical-condition-causing-your-anxiety
Also maybe insecure attachment style: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults
Ah. I have always been the way that I am, so it is not caused by a medical disorder or substance.
The biggest mistake I see is that people don’t ever mix with people anymore.
Honestly the biggest single question I would ask if I wanted to bet how likely someone gets a partner would be “how often do you leave your house outside of work and grocery shopping” Do stuff. Dating apps try to bring single folk to you but you’ll have far more fun just… doing stuff. Doesn’t matter if you go alone or with a group, it’s usually more fun than just browsing the internet.
Go to a car show, go to an anime/scifi/star trek/furry convention, go to a craft fair, go to a bar and sit at the counter, find some way to have fun in public. Don’t even bother trying to hunt down a partner, just have fun in a public setting. If you find ways to have fun in public, you start going out in public more. You do that, you start meeting potential partners by accident. Not only that:
- You start learning social skills
Being surrounded by strangers means you can do a faux pas and nobody will remember it was you a week from now. They’re strangers, they remember the story but not the person. A group of strangers can be oddly freeing, you can say no to them and never see them again. If they judge you you’ll probably never see them again.
- You start learning about your area
I learned Minneapolis has a fire breathing co-op so you can learn to juggle flames, a 501st legion of starwars cosplayers that can bring the empire to any event, a working ecto 1 that sometimes prowls the streets and has a youtube series.
- You start becoming more interesting.
Did you click the links? You see what I mean? Now this is an interesting post. You now have things to talk about, about the land around you to whoever you’re talking to. It also provides two really great topics to talk about. “what have you found around here?” “what have I found around here?” Is there another event? A club or bar that is just bizarre? A sport or game you’ve never heard of. Apparently Minnesota’s roller derby team is amazing, still haven’t found the time to watch a game, but if you can find one, why not try there?
Seriously just… do something. Find an event. If you think it’s stupid then try to verify if it’s stupid. (never was interested in cars, but it was free. Turns out the car show had the ecto 1, and the adam west batmobile. My hypothesis was proven wrong) Instead of scrolling through lemmy or facebook, wander around an event and watch and listen. If you see a booth, ask about it.
I found that I could keep things interesting to me by basically playing a scavenger hunt with events. Go to an event and find your next event at the event you’re at. An event can be anything from a party, a convention, to a place that’s just plain interesting. It also really got people interested. Whenever I brought up my quest “find an event at this event”, people loved the idea and would often try to help. Heck, sometimes they’d even tag along at the next one.
I think your assessment of the issue is accurate. People don’t go out and do things like they did before the pre cellphone and internet age.
But for me…for the life of me if I go out and do stuff on my own, I cannot interact with strangers. It’s uncomfortable, unpleasant, and I don’t get anything out of it. I don’t know how that’s supposed to magically swing the other direction.
Hell, even with people I like and know well… interacting with them outside of our “normal” routine is uncomfortable and unpleasant for me. Over the years, I’ve befriended someone at work and feel comfortable there. But for the life of me, I cannot gain the same level of comfort and satisfaction hanging out outside of work.
I’ve had a sister in law for years and years now. Despite this, I do not have the inability to interact with her. It is uncomfortable, unlessant, and I do not get anything out of it. It’s not her fault…she’s a very nice person. But I just absolutely cannot ever gain comfort around people in certain (read: many) types of scenarios. I am comfortable around my parents and that’s it. No matter how often I spend with other people.
Exposing myself repeatedly to these scenarios has not ever helped or made any sort of difference.
I go out and do stuff for me. I’m perfectly comfortable with wandering around and looking at things without ever interacting with everyone besides thanking the person behind the register after buying something. I’ve had social anxiety for so long that it’s become a normal thing for me now to not expect any interaction with anyone. And, because of this, no one wants to talk to the quiet person who is scared to look at you in the eye. They might think I’m just being rude or something but in reality I’m avoiding a potential interaction that scares me. So, speaking to what this person said about going out and doing stuff I can relate. Going out in public doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll interact with people. You can be alone even when surrounded by people.
I would always suggest never force yourself to interact with people. I’m just saying be adjacent. You don’t have to force yourself to interact with people. Just at least be around them.
Forcing yourself to interact with a person for no other reason than interaction is ALWAYS awkward. It takes skill to plow through the awkwardness. Speed dating, speed friending, date auctions, are always awkward for this reason. Small talk can be difficult but if you treat someone more like google asking a question you actually care about. It’s a lot less awkward. People like to be experts, and treated as such.
It’s why I say just, wander. It’s alright not speaking to anybody for hours at an event. Walk through it like you would a forest. Take in the sights and sounds. Try to find something truly interesting.
Well for me, that’s why my social anxiety doesn’t really exist so much at work. I can simply do my work if I have nothing to say or if no one seems to want to interact with me. And then with the interaction with coworkers bit…I’m literally required to interact with coworkers to perform my job duties. So then branching out into casual chats isn’t weird because we were already just discussing work.
If I’m at say…a coffeeshop or something…interaction with other patrons doesn’t really make sense contextually…even if I start to recognize the regulars who are there. There is nothing we are doing cooporatively.
Oh I know, that’s why I say go to events. Going to a coffee shop or even a club aren’t places I’d recommend. Interacting is so expensive there in terms of energy, anxiety, and stress.
But a lot of events have a lot more contextual options. Where questions are appreciated, as well as compliments. Anime conventions are a great example. “How did you make this?” “What show is this from?” “What is this line for?” “Can I get a picture?” “You look awesome”
Would never do that in a coffee shop.
